Peru (1) - Peaceful Hikes and RABID DOGS ATTACK!

From Lima: a freezing cold bus journey through glaciers and treacherous mountain paths into a roaring red sunset; we find ourselves in Huaraz, a dusty mountain town in the West-Peruvian Andes historically plagued by earthquakes, avalanches and an unbelievably boring nightlife.

Chillin' - with the locals

We are the only 'whiteys' in the town. We walk to our hostel through rubble-roads and bustling markets; 2000 year-old obese woman scream 'GRINGO!' at us as we pass, then curse us in ancient tongues if we don't give them spare change. Dave got cursed by the wrinkliest woman on the planet and as a result had hilarious 'repeated mares´ for the next week (until we found a 'lucky seed' in the Amazon...but more on that later).

Just some absolute fucking nutcase walking her alpaca

After 5 minutes of walking we were completely out of breath; at an altitude of over 3000m (and completely un-climatized) we had to actively search for oxygen molecules in order to survive. Undeterred, we decided that the next day we should hike up 'Huascarian' (the highest tropical mountain in zein veld) to Laguna 69, on the basis that it has a hilarious name and is supposedly very beautiful. So we bought copious amounts of altitude medication and got to it.

Walkin da' pig

The view from the bottom

The hike itself took around 6 hours and was absolutely knackering, what with us not being used to the high altitude, and having eaten 4-course meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner nearly every day in Peru beforehand (great soup, a massive plate of chicken and rice, a disgusting flan dessert and unlimited pear-juice is served in almost every restaurant and costs 4 Soles, or 90p a head).

After some awesome views, 9 mild heart-attacks and innumerable cramps between us, we did eventually make it to the top. What we found there was more than worth it; as we turned the last corner an unimaginably sapphire-blue lake came into sight. So blue in fact that it looked almost as if it had been photoshopped into the mountain for our amusement, or that God ran out of water and used Powerade instead. I may in fact have rubbed my eyes in disbelief and shouted 'Whaaaah!?' (but I can't be sure as it was a while ago now).

The lake is actually blue because of massive amounts of Algae in the water

On the way down Davy and I hung back from the group and ended up taking a 45 minute detour back to camp because this giant evil Bull was blocking our path and wouldn't get out of the fucking way no matter how many tiny pebbles I threw at it.

'The stare-down'  (Dave lost)

On the upside we did come across this fairly awesome tree as a result.

That night we decided to celebrate our triumph over nature Gap-Yah style, so we splooshed out on alcohol (3 quid was easily enough), got smashed in the room and 'hit the town'. But after 3 hours of walking around in deserted streets, looking for bars and being (literally) grabbed and scratched by prostitutes we decided to call it a night. The most interesting thing that happened was I fell face-first into a 3 foot pothole in the road whilst telling a drug-dealer to 'seriously fuck-off'.

The only way to have fun in Huaraz

The next day the weather was awesome so we hired some mountain bikes. The teenager we hired them off wished us luck and left us with one piece of advice;

'On way back to town, be careful of rabid dog: they attack you when you ride! You pick up rock, throw rock at dog, and dog leave now'.

(Mis)taking him for a fool or a prankster we paid for the bikes, tied them to the top of a local bus and took them to the bottom of a nearby mountain. We rode up it for a couple of hours taking occasional breaks to stroke llamas and poke tarantulas with sticks on the side of the road. Or vice versa in Ali's case.

In Huaraz....bike rides YOU

The ride down was great, but inevitably didn't last (given how little we paid for the bikes). Ali's back axle shattered into pieces and was unusable.
As we discussed our options (which were few) the first truck we'd seen all day drove past us and we waved it down.

The driver and his mate were equipped with a bunch of tools and helped fix up the bike so we could at least roll it to a nearby lodge (also the first lodge we'd come across all day) - so it looked like luck might be on our side after all.


It was not.

The lodge

Dave and I waited with Ali for ages at the lodge for a taxi, but it began getting dark so we rode off down the mountain together (Frodo and Samwise Gamgee anyone?) and watched the sun set over yonder hill.
Everything was super.

Then the shit hit the fan.

As we rode through a tiny village in the absolute pitch-dark we heard a most terrifying sound. Ten or more dogs barking from every direction, and getting closer. Very quickly we realised that the slack-jawed local who rented us the bikes had been telling the truth. The barking got louder and louder until eventually the pack caught up with us. The dogs (if you can call them that - they were more like shaggy mutants from fucking outer space) sprinted right alongside our bikes and dived at our feet and legs, foaming mouths open, teeth out and diseased tongues-a-lolling. Naturally we absolutely shat ourselves, but the faster we pedalled the more aggressive they became. We couldn't stop to 'pick up rock' (for fear of being mauled to death) so we rode down the mountainside without pedalling, sat with our legs stretched out in front, and whilst Dave hysterically screamed ´HELP ME ED HELP ME PLEASE!' I tried to decide whether I was crying of laughter or just genuine terror. I also tried to decide whether I was in fact having a nightmare, given that I was being chased by packs of aggressive rabid dogs in the pitch dark on a crappy bike...
I was reminded of the opening scene from Waltz with Bashir (which I recommend as a great film, on a pleasant side note).

One mangey mutt came so close that I decided it was worth a try, so I swung my foot out with all my might and booted it right in the face with the back of my heel.. It yelped and rolled over a couple of times and then gave chase again, but I did feel slightly like James Bond, or perhaps Alex Rider (even cooler).

For about 20 minutes we rode through towns and the same thing would happen in every one (although I never did get in another kick). The trauma finally ended when a van drove by and the driver offered us a lift back to Huaraz.

I have never been so terrified for my life, but at the same time I have never laughed so hard or for so long, so to this day I still have mixed emotions regarding the ordeal.

Next we ventured into the Amazon Basin...

Guns and Sunrise in Yosemite National Park

From San Francisco we took a 5am bus to Yosemite National Park, and the driver hooked us up with an incredible lodge right under Yosemite Falls.



the view (en route)

Here we met the great Ben Scott from Australia, who laughed at everything I said and spent 45 minutes choosing which sandwich to buy in absolute hysterics. It all made sense when I discovered he had munched 2 acid tabs at 6am that morning.

 

Ben (on his ´Detox´)

That night we decided the only logical thing to do would be to build a massive fire, so after a quick skim of the 'Yosemite Dos and Dont's handbook' we took 4 extremely flammable towels from the lodge and ventured into the wilderness. We found a great spot under more stars than I knew existed and got a pretty decent fire going.

Things could only get worse...

It can´t have been more than 2 minutes before a real-life Ned Flanders Park-Ranger shone his torch in my eyes:

´´Have you been drinking alcohol or utilising recreational drugs!?´´

I thought we were screwed when this dweeb turned up, and I was right.

We apologised for the fire, put it out and did everything we were asked, but soon King-Kong-esque ´backup´showed up and for the next half hour we were treated like escapees from Azkaban. Supposedly a load of crystal meth smugglers hide out in National Parks around Cali and Death Valley, and Park Rangers here are the most armed police-force in the US, each carrying on them 2 handguns, an M16 and a pump action shotgun in the back of their van.

I wouldn't have laughed at his tight green pants had I known this.

...acrobatic interlude.

We were issued a $350 fine and after a hilarious 4-way game of Rock-Paper-Scissors (which didn't do wonders to prove our sobriety) the fine was issued in Ali´s name. I asked what would happen if we didn't pay the fine...

´´Sir...You are the master of your own destiny!´´

 ...was the informative response.

The whole ordeal proved to be worth it though; trekking up the Falls the next morning for sunrise was one of the most awesome and rewarding experiences of the trip.



Yosemite Falls; the highest waterfall in the USA.
Water freezes half way down, lands as snow, melts, then falls another 700ft.

 

Sunrise from atop the falls



After much debate we decided not to pay the fine.

As a result, Ali has a warrant for his arrest in every National Park in the USA..

...Shouldn't have chosen Paper.

Fire and Acid in the USA: A month of disastrous mishaps...

...and great breakfasts.

(with free refill coffee) at Lori´s Diner

Our journey begins in San Francisco, one of the most beautiful and charming cities I've ever visited. We were staying Downtown (near Union Square) - rightly notorious for being overrun with tramps and crazies, though they ended up looking relatively sane when compared to our 6ft 4 Korean hostel owner (Eric) who didn't sleep for 5 days and only ate speed tablets for every meal.

Fucking piece of shit loser cunt (and some homeless dude)

San Fran presented too much to take in given the short time we had; the city itself is absolutely stunning and too often I found myself dorkily half-jogging to catch up with Ali and Dave after getting left behind taking hundreds of photos. 

1962 Plymouth Valiant

Supermassive black-cars, Ocean Beach and Lombard Street were amongst the highlights, (photomagraphically speaking).

Sunset over Ocean Beach

Lombard Street (the windiest street in the world)

We spent a fair amount of time in Haight Street, the 'Camden Town' of Frisco, where if you mooch around for long enough trendy hippies will offer you a free spliff, or hot homeless women will give you shrooms, or friendly advice, or both. 

Walking across the Golden Gate was cool; attempting to hitchhike back for 45 minutes, failing, and then realising we had been standing under a giant sign which said ´NO STOPPING AT ANY TIME´ was not...

Although I did love the place, I left feeling slightly uneasy. The sheer number of people who live in San Francisco without a home was genuinely shocking; be they 'Rock' who showed us around the entire city with more enthusiasm than I could ever hope to have, or 'Q-Quinten', who whipped out his nob and pissed on a parked car whilst I was talking to him. Nowhere as wealthy as the United States can justify such utter neglect for its own people.

Next on the agenda was Yosemite National Park - I will try to update ASAP, but am flying into the Amazon Basin in 30 minutes, so - rain check?

'The lightning Storm' - An entry from my inter-railing diary

Sunday 1st August

I write this from a cafe in St. Anton, Austria, cos Jeremy skis here and suggested it as a jolly jaunt; to which we agreed. 

On arrival we spoke to the hot blonde woman at the tourist office who advised us not to go up the mountain as it was illegal and dangerous. She had nice tits. We dropped off our bags and headed up. 

Up

It took like 4 hours to get to the top - along the way we filled up our bottles with freezing mountain-stream water which was probably about 90% elk piss, and sophia farted in sams face and then laughed for about 30 minutes. What a classy lady. 


Eventually, after an arduous trudge, and me getting shocked by a deceptive electric fence and not realising until my hand smelled like a barbecue, we found an amazing camping spot on a flat piece of land with a 180 degree view; I've never seen such an great view in my whole life. 
Took loads of crappy photos. 

sittin' rock

We watched sunset from 'atop the sittin' rock' and it got pretty cold and pretty dark pretty quickly.

Sophia went mad at me for shouting 'FUCK YOU NATURE' at the mountain and said it would bring 'bad karma'. 
Lol. Moron...

....

We all woke up at around 1am to the loudest thunder in history. It was raining really heavily and there was lightning about every 15 seconds. Alex and Sophia were screaming and crying as if they had just dropped their hair products down the toilet. I made about 500 crappy puns to calm the mood/mask the fact that I had just crapped in my pants. I also screamed at Allah to 'do his worst' but the superstitious bunch did not appreciate my humour at this time. 

Eventually the rain and thunder stopped and Sam's heart started. 

...

At 2am we woke up again and this time the storm was even more 'in tents'. There was a HUGE wind. Sam had farted.

We grabbbed the walls of the tent cos they were flappin' around all crazy-like and I was sure it was about to tear. If it had torn we would have been absolutely fahooked. We were also pretty scared about actually getting struck by the lightning itself and going up in flames: to distract ourselves we counted how many seconds there was between the lightning-flash and the sound of thunder and I had to explain about 500 times why 5 seconds = 1 mile. This didn't help to calm us down (cos it was 3 seconds away). 

Sam thought it would be a great idea to hold his penknife in his pocket: that way, if the tent got struck by lightning, he planned to 'cut his way out'. Pretty st00pid idea if you ask me, since he was now holding the only metal object for about 100 miles. In a lightning storm.

Sam also did his 'goat which yells like a man' impression which was absolutely hilarious.

Jeremy got really scared, did a small pee pee his pants and then claimed that 'the tent leaked all over me bruv allow this'.

How unfortunate that it leaked all over his crotch. From inside his pants. And was yellow. And smelled like piss. And was piss. 

The sound of thunder was incredible - it echoed all the way through the valley so we could literally hear it go from left to right. Eventually the storm passed and we went to sleep. 

We woke up and looked outside but it was really foggy. The fog moved way faster than we could run (and with superior endurance). Me and Jeremy ran a few hundred yards up the mountain to touch the snow, which was cool. 

At about 8am we were in the tent and heard a guy say 'HALLOH?' from outside - it was an Austrian farmer who owned loads of cows on the mountain. He was almost too friendly - wearing a massive coat and he had a walking stick which I was immensely jealous of. He had 2 'Australian Sheepdogs' which were SO cute and after a brief chat all three of them bounded off merrily up an almost sheer rockface, which gave us some (misguided) confidence in our own climbing ability. 

Eventually we got back to the town after a long-ass trek through hail and rain. We got dry and changed and then had a massive meal - spagetti bolognese, a frankfurter with this amazing mustard (which sam thought was 'yellow sauce' and then got genuinely grumpy for not realising it was mustard) half of sam's carbonara, most of sophia's spagetti and some of alex's soup. 

And that's all I have to say about that. 

Europe by Rail (3) - Apeman lost in Venice / Italy in pictures

 - Milan - Bologne - Parma - Vezano - Forte Dei Marmy - Pisa -  Florence - Lake Garda - Venice -

Jeremy passes on in Piazza Del Duomo 

Milan is incredible - but to summarise: beautiful city, didn't like the people, got drunk and climbed the monuments, had a fight with the hostel owner because he turned off the orange juice machine. Here are some photos:

Forte Dei Marmy: We travelled several hundred miles for the sole purpose of taking a photo in a place called 'Forte Dei Marmy' and despite missing trains, eating a shitty meal and spending a day in a dilapidated ghost town....we all agreed it was worth it:

Forte Dei 'Marmy'

'Spending up to 11 hours on a train on a diet of McDonalds milkshakes and granola bars will lead to extreme flatulence in males and aggressive response in females' - this warning should be written on the back of every inter-rail ticket.

Farting on Sophia's face (somewhere in Italy)

Friday 30th July

Venice

St. Mark's Square

Being the apoid-yahoo that he is, Jeremy gave his phone and wallet to Sophia to look after, and then got lost in the main square. We looked for him for a few minutes. Alex and Sophia discussed the many ways he could die, Sam ranted about how irresponsible he was and I looked for a nice fish restaurant, which I found. It was delicious.

St. Mark's Basilica

 On our way back to the hostel at around midnight, Sophia saw a short old woman in a red coat and started, quite literally, screaming with genuine terror and sprinting in the opposite direction. Having always been secretly terrified of Venice because of that movie 'Don't Look Now', and being a massive pussy by nature, I instinctively screamed twice as loud and followed her.

Gondolas in Venice

6 hours after we lost him, we found Jeremy at the hostel. Expecting some inspiring stories of introspective adventure, I was disappointed to hear the most exciting thing that happened was that he bought a plastic bag from a street vendor for 1 cent.

Photos from Florence and Lake Garda:

Scene from 'Don't look Now' - SPOILER - (but now you see what I mean)

Next we travelled into the austrian alps....

Europe by Rail (2) - Arm wrestling on Las Ramblas and a sack of cheese 1st Class

 - Barcelona - Cerbere - Narbonne - Nimes - Marseille - Nice - Monte Carlo -

Classic Deans...topless again

Tuesday 20th July

We met up with the 'Beni Girls' on Las Ramblas. Some time after Zippy got in a trash can, but before she tried to steal a JCB, we bumped into a bunch of 'lads on tour (whaoh nuttaz)' and one of them, presumably jealous that I was with girls despite being smaller and less hairy than him, challenged me to an arm wrestle. He still owes me that pint.

Wednesday 21st July

We accidentally discovered a great way to get good seats on trains, which I strongly recommend. Not wanting to pass through France without 'embracing the culture' we decided to buy a shitty bottle of €2 wine and a packet of cheese, which we forgot about. 3 days later and the rotting cheese made Jeremies blackened orphan-feet smell like a fucking rose-bed in comparison. To our great surprise, people would offer their seats to us and insist that we have the whole carriage to ourselves. Deans thought they were 'being courteous'. Then he ate the cheese.

Casino de Monte Carlo

Friday 23rd July

Monte Carlo is awesome. The lifeboats on some of these yachts are bigger than my house. The lifeboats have lifeboats. And those lifeboats have dinghies. 

Yesterday we met a really pale guy from Switzerland, so I got out my Swiss Army Knife to show him all the cool attachments it had, like the tiny magnifying glass, and such. I asked him if he had a Swiss Army Knife, and if so, which attachment did he find most useful? To which he responded 'No - I use French knives because Swiss steel is too thin'. Typical boring-ass-fuck Swiss.

In Marseille we had nowhere to stay, so at 2am ended up checking into a bullet-ridden crack-den/brothel next to the station. The whore who showed us our room was genuinely terrifying and I was scared she was going to rape me and then charge me - like those guys at French markets who put a bracelet on you and then force you to buy it. 

Tomorrow we are going to Milan.

Europe by Rail (1) - Benicassim: one of the few places where well-off, rah-rah London boys...

...can hang out, pill up and stay drunk for a week without contravening any 'social norms' (which are pretty overrated anyway).

Toob

(Credit to Deaner for the photos: full album here)

Princesses can also act like massive slags and get away with it (in fact not doing so would be branded 'failing to embrace the festival spirit') so it's actually in everyone's interest to forget what's been taught as 'right and proper', and fuck shit up.

Once a year isn't enough, but it's better than nothing.

Zippy's left eye. That is all.

Despite reluctantly forking out 40 quid to stay in the poncy campsite, it still ended up looking like a festering pile of crusty hippy turd about 3 hours after our arrival. It was nice knowing everyone within a square mile, but we didn't get to make friends with any crazy scottish neighbours like the year before, so it was a really different experience, rather than a better/worse one. 

Alex sings YMCA on her own

The strangest day must have been the last; seeing 30 UCS leavers sitting in a circle, all in tears, is an experience I don't think any of us will ever forget. I also turned 18.

Marmy faces would soon turn upside-down

Highlights are too many to list - but have to include Shamtoob and Cartier screaming Islamic prayers into a megaphone, stripping Dexter naked in the sea and tearing down Zack Wellins tent (yeah that was us Zack. Fuck you.) All in all though, an incredible week.

Regarding music, I guess Gorillaz were the best in terms of quality, and Prodigy in terms of performance. Not that it matters though, most people won't remember any of it.

I know I don't.

Romania - a pretty 'extreme' country...

....in the summer it's 45 degrees, in the winter it's minus 25. Rich Romanians make Abramovich look like an impoverished street-sweeper, but the Romani population in Southern Romania make up the single poorest community in Europe.

A couple of weeks ago I got back from rural Romania, where I'd been living with Lucas. It took a while for my balls to thaw since it was about minus 11 in the day and we were working outside the whole time.

I've spent a bit over a month in Romania over the past 2 years working with this awesome charity which helps really poor kids who have next to nothing (they're called LimXpo: if you wanna learn more about them or work with them, call me, or check them out here).

Adeline (aka 'King Kong')

The town's called Turnu Severin, I took this photo from outside the local school.

Ternu Severin - 'The Asshole of Europe'

It definitely feels good to feel like you're 'helping the world' - but I'd be lying if I said that's the only reason I keep going back. Truth be told Romania is fucking cool and a beautiful country too. They've got natural hot-springs, mountains, cascading waterfalls, and I hear they're getting Cable TV in 2015.

August

December

Lucas being manly by the hot-springs

I've learnt a lot in Romania. 

I wont get into what I've learnt about 'myself' or about 'the world'. That shit is far too deep and will take far too long.

Firstly; kids are way cooler than adults. We played with kids all day who had nothing, and didn't speak our language, but they were just happy to see us and I have never had more fun than with them. Adults spat at us in the street, refused to help me in the supermarket when I couldn't find the toilet paper, and even attacked us with a massive pack of dogs on chains (yeah - seriously).

This kid is completely deaf - and nearly got hit by some nobhead drunk driver

Secondly; some Romanian women are the potentially the fittest in the world (despite their hideous 'spade-faced' male counterparts).

'Mirella' the Romanian Goddess

Thirdly; Romanians treat dogs like utter turd. I know this is a bit of a random complaint but seriously - WTF. There are thousands of stray dogs all over the place and they're seen as pests. People kick them in the face and throw them around for fun, like that crazy old cat-lady tramp in The Simpsons. This one was stuck outside for hours and would have frozen to death if Lucas hadn't lovingly snuggled it in between his teets.

Oh, and most importantly; Romanian alcohol is cheaper than water. 
Albeit if you drink 2 pints you wont shit for a week. This case-worth set me back 20 Lei (that's 4 quid).

4 pints of 'Timisoreana Brew' cost 80p

Worth it.